Dear sixteen year old me,
In over one night you became an adult prematurely. You instantly set yourself a set of rules to live by and the pressure you put upon yourself for a sixteen year old was heavy. It’s ok to behave the way you are. It could go one of two ways and the fact you are choosing the ‘throw yourself back into life’ way is admirable. In all honesty it is completely understandable if you were to choose the vulnerable mess who locks herself in a room for days on end and you struggle to see a way forward.
For a hormonal girl who has just lost her life line, her comfort zone, her Mother. The feeling of guilt is going to really grind away at you. You shouldn’t feel guilty for being in a relationship and focusing your mind on other things for distraction. You shouldn’t feel guilty that you chose not to listen, not to understand and not care more. You knew deep down what was happening, but you chose to ignore it just as any other girl your age would do. The ending was inevitable and no other scenario would have eased this pain you are going through.
It’s a shame you went to counselling only once, stole a book and never returned. You aren’t ready to talk and you don’t know how yet and that is ok, you will find your own therapy through writing. Later in life you will probably wish you had stuck it out. You could probably make more sense of it now than when you are older because you will have a lot more responsibilities and pressure. Mental health issues will take its toll and you will find it extremely difficult as to why you think, do and feel the way you will, but such is life.
There is nothing wrong with being independent and feeling as though it is you against the world, but let people in. Don’t hold your experience of loss against people that love you and suspect the same outcome. People do care and when they say they aren’t going anywhere they can often mean it, go easy on them.
Grief is going to hit you at the most inconvenient time throughout your life and there will be a voice that will often remind you out of the blue that your Mother is no longer here. The angry you inside is going to be resentful, blameful and furious that she left. How dare she leave you alone in this world? As if she had any control over the situation. It’s ok, I am sure she forgives you.
It will never, ever make sense. It will always be a blur. It will only get harder the older you become. It will take you longer than 10 seconds to really remember what her voice sounded like. The photos will always be the same and you will feel like you are running out of options to keep looking at and keep the memory alive. There will always be a deep, dark hole in your life that will never be filled and life’s up’s and downs will feel ten times harder than the usual.
If there is one thing you should know is that you should be proud of yourself. You will make it to 27 and have a story of achievements, joy and adventure to tell. You will be as strong as you said you were going to be all along. You will have a deep spiritual connection and intuition which will guide you and answer all your questions asked. You will be lucky enough to know when she is around and right next to you and you will find a deep comfort in that.
16 year old Sasha, you cannot see any light right now but the determination within you is burning. You will succeed, it wont be easy but somehow you will make it out the other side. Keep going girl, your Mother would be so proud of you.
Love, Twenty Seven year old you x