In a world without you, Mum is to wake up every single morning knowing you no longer grace this earth, it’s not having used the word or called the name Mum for the purpose it should have. It’s having an extra role to play, a responsibility to take on when It comes calling, the griever, grieving. It’s accepting the fact that the figure who is meant to teach me things only they can is no longer here and the unbreakable Motherly daughter bond resides within my heart and in my heart only. It’s accepting I am a Motherless daughter and having that underlying name tag attached to me wherever I may go and eventually people learning of it whoever I may meet.
In a world without you, Mum is having to remind myself that the one phone call away privilege is no longer. It’s remembering all the times before I abused it and sometimes never even used it. Mobile phone minutes are currently left pristine the only hopeful communication being through dreams. The world is a scary place for any living, breathing human, and having to live it alone is sometimes intimidating. I could be surrounded by as many faces I can’t even count and still feel like it’s just me unheard, no matter how loud I shout.
If I could see my own heart, I would look away disturbed. The huge gaping black hole staring back at me unnerved. I used to try and fill it, desperate for repair. Then I came to learn that it’s unfillable, forever painfully there. In a world without you, Mum it’s having to guess for guidance, no opportunities to physically ask what should I do? It would be the comfort of hearing your valued advice, your singing green eyes wouldn’t have to tell me twice. It’s having to feel whether you would agree with my life choices, relying on intuition, listening out for voices.
I have an outline of hurt that’s settled itself around me, lightly pulsating reminding me what is out of place. In a world without you, Mum it’s seeing life through different eyes, it’s forever surviving, a broken heart in disguise. It’s all of the drunken wine bottles we should have shared, it’s the sisterly arguments that caused temporary despair. These scenes I yearn for, a part of my life eternally obscure. No little girl should be without her Mum, I am patiently waiting for the day, the day we meet to gracefully come.
In a world without you, Mum I’m still learning how to cope, still learning to withstand hope, to attain a zest for life, not mope. A flicker in the corner of my eye, a specific time or a prominent breeze are all soft reminders that you still surround me, I take great comfort in these gentle signs as they aren’t by chance, they are simply divine. A slither of optimism that you still dance within my existence, our realms aligning, we are within reaching distance. In a world without you, Mum I am surprised I still produce tears, I could fill up oceans with what I have cried over the years. It’s hearing the word ‘Mum’ and my heart habitually drops, haunting memories of your last moments, those moments I had no power to stop.
In a world without you, Mum I have learnt to be indefinitely strong, I see, think, believe, and feel what others may see as wrong. Every time I see my reflection, I deep down see fragments of you. Your curvy body, slanted eyes, and humour as witty too. I continue to keep your memory alive, I long for our past to simply revive.
In a world without you Mum, I live for you, I live through you.
Thank you for taking the precious time to read this poem dedicated to my LOVELY Mum, Tracey who left us on the 15th June, 2008. Please feel free to share this post by clicking below if you enjoyed.
thank you as always x