Although it comes around only once a year, it is its built-up presence that fills us lost ones with fear. A whole twenty-four hours solely dedicated to her, I live it, I breathe it, each minute a blur.
As I’ve come accustomed to its ‘come around so quick manner’, when her name is mentioned my stomach flips, my words stammer. As my heart unexpectedly throbs, it ignites a deep, hollow ache. My demeanour shows strength, any minute I could break.
Although it comes around only once a year, it’s that word ’Mum’ that fills us lost ones with fear because we don’t have it in us to re-lay our unasked-for hell, this Sunday we feel silenced, our strength resembling an eggshell.
A day filled with love, appreciation, elation. Roll over in my bed aware of my stolen chance of participation. Not quite made it to becoming a Mother myself, so this celebratory day continues to collect dust on the abandoned shelf.
My thoughts chant I am bitter, can’t be happy for others around, but I have nothing to say this week or on this day, we share no common ground. I get used to the shadow that grows in depth each year, it wakes me up in the morning and watches me hold back the tears.
I cannot put into words how this day can feel worse than their death, just seeing the pink and white tulips, they catch me off guard, how quickly they make me lose my breath. Even after thirteen motherless years, you would think this day gets easier but as time goes on and I reflect on lost time, I only find myself becoming greedier.
Grief has this skill of dividing you from the rest, it arrives uninvited to the party, a faceless, haunting guest. This one Sunday of the year can beat me till I’m blue, I’m well practised now, a motherless pro, this isolated feeling is nothing new.
Although this day comes around only once a year, it’s Mother’s Day that does it, that creates that sombre atmosphere. Whilst others get the chance to soak up all their existence. Us lost one’s green with envy are drowning in their significant absence.
Although Mother’s Day comes around only once a year. It’s when I miss you the most Mum and long to feel you near. Heavy as my heart is, as time has passed I have become stronger but the little girl inside of me deserved to have you for longer.